leaning · on · this · broken · fence · between · past · and · present · tense

i only think to write in here when i first meet someone, and then when they break my heart. i need to change my life around. i'm thinking about letting myself become cold and jaded because that's the only way to survive.

how long should this little dance go on for? it's obvious that we both feel for each other. neither of us is brave or comfortable enough to move forward. not right now anyway. i have to do something, i think. i don't want to pass up the opportunity for something great. nothing grows when no one is talking... or putting themselves out there. i like you. maybe i will write you a letter that tells you exactly how i feel.

dear x,

i'd like to know what you think about you and i. i think it's gotten to the point where we should have clarification about what's going on so that neither one of us runs into misunderstanding.

i'm evolving into a different type of girl these days and i don't know whether i should like it or not. nonetheless, part of me takes sick pleasure in this metamorphosis. there are 3 types of girls in this world: the ones that have evolved or the ones that haven't... and then there are the ones like me, who are stuck in between both of these worlds, fighting and welcoming the inevitable change all at once. don't ask me how this is possible, because i'm not exactly sure. all i know is i can feel my skin becoming sand papery and sooner or later it will be as tough as leather. my eyes are becoming dulled and my fangs are becoming sharp. the biggest change is happening in my mind though. i can feel it swelling with a whole different set of images, ideas and values. there surely isn't enough room for all of this information. so, the old parts of my brian will have to be discarded to make room for the new parts. it's just how this works. i've seen it happen to so many girls and i've wondered, "how could this happen to them?". i used to feel a strange conglomeration of pity, disappointment and fear for these girls. now i'm finding myself doing the same thing, going through the same motions, and somehow, feeling ashamed when i've taken delight in these new situations i've put myself into. i can't help it though. it's all part of the evolution, the metamorphosis... and when i'm done, not even you will recognize me until i sink my teeth into your flesh.

because this is the only way girls like me will ever have a chance to survive

there's something about losing faith in most anything that is strangely liberating. you're much less likely to be crushed and disaster becomes 2nd nature.

i'm waiting for something good to come
i feel like i'm deservant

the first thing that anyone should know about me is, what it would take to get me to love you. it's not that difficult. the key to my heart involves adequate food, alcohol on occasion and a soft spot for me to land, (maybe underneath your arm). i also need proper rest. if any of these needs aren't met, i have a right to fall out of love with anyone at anytime. so keep my heart fed, numbed with alcohol, warm, comfortable and well-rested. the alcohol should usually come first. it's usually followed by the warmth and comfortability aspect of my theory. it helps me forget. it helps me forget that i am myself and you are you, and that things don't normally work out and i'm never comfortable and i'm always hungry, (in one sense of the word or another) and no matter how much sleep i get, i'm always tired. but the alcohol helps... especially when i need a soft spot to land. if you feed me enough of my life elixir... i'll be more than happy to sleep on cement, and pretend that i'm nestled somewhere in between your ribcage and bicep. if i've had enough, i could make up what you might say. i could make up what i might feel and stick it inside of my cement version of you. and i promise that we could be in love. even if it's only when we're drunk.

and i could wake up feeling like i just conquered the world, and that i've seen the light. and when i see you, i won't say anything... because last night... well last night i could've swore we made a pact. we decided we didn't want to upset the world. we didn't want to rub it in the bitter and jaded faces we all know... the people that we once were. so we keep it a secret.

sometimes i get nostalgic and i just can't stop thinking about you

i'm trying really hard to better myself, to work towards things... but i have so much to keep track of. i wish i had more time and money to truly appreciate what i know i should be appreciating. i really do appreciate it, i just don't have enough time to really take advantage of this opportunity.

note to self::::

stay away from boys!!!!!

i don't think i can handle two cute, nice, decent boys hitting on me at once.
i feel like i need to talk to someone who isn't in shambles.

too much pressure.

where is ollie?

most of the time i just wish i lived alone.

this semester is great
i work 2 great jobs, both of them with sufficient great people and bosses alike
i have somehow wound up in a relationship that is as much give as it is take, completely smitten
deals is a new addition to our household
levi came to visit and had a blast
i'm driven and happy and excited for the future

focusing on the positives... and one day at a time.

i just really hope things start looking up as far as academics go. i'm trying to hold in there, even though it might look like i'm not trying at all.

i need to surround myself with as much clutter and excitement as possible to keep from feeling empty and hopeless. school, responsibility and LIFE is doing a number on me right now.